Crosses
by EruditeWitch
Summary: The day before Dean leaves to go into hiding, he and Seamus decide what crosses they will bear.


_Don't you know that I'll be around to guide you  
Through your weakest moments to leave them behind you  
Returning nightmares only shadows  
We'll cast some light and you'll be alright  
We'll cast some light and you'll be alright for now_

Seamus could feel the pain pulsing through him. His eyes began to burn and his throat was swelling. He turned his back to hide the tears that were streaming down his face. He couldn't let Dean see him this way, he couldn't fall apart. If Dean saw how much he was hurting, his secret would be out, and their friendship would be ruined.

"Shay…" Dean whispered, walking up to Seamus and putting a hand on his shoulder. "Seamus, please look at me!"

Seamus' body was beginning to tremble. He had to get out of there, had to leave Dean's ridiculous Muggle bedroom before everything fell apart…before he fell apart. But Seamus' feet were glued to the floor. He couldn't leave, not for every galleon in every wizard's pocket.

Seamus turned and hit the wall as hard as he could. He felt pain rip through his hand and arm, but he couldn't stop. He punched hole after hole in the drywall, plaster flying in his face. He thrashed his body around when he realized that Dean had a firm grip on both of his wrists.

"Fuck you," Seamus spat, struggling to get out of the larger wizard's grip. In the struggle, they fell to the floor, and Seamus landed on top of Dean.

"Seamus, please listen to me!" Dean pleaded, his dark eyes glassy and wet with. Seamus' mind seemed to clear instantly. He could feel the bile rising in his throat at the sight of his hands and Dean's wall, marred by his own emotional outburst. Dean raised his wand and cast healing spells on Seamus' hands. He rubbed his thumbs over Seamus' knuckles and chanced a light kiss. It was a mark of their friendship that Dean didn't flinch once. He felt Dean's long fingers curl under his chin and pull his face back.

"They are going after muggle-borns. You've seen the pamphlets! They think we've stolen our magic! I can't go back to Hogwarts, not with Deatheaters controlling so much. They'll hunt me down there. I'll be taken away by the dementors," Dean said gravely, his voice deep and serious more so than it was afraid.

Seamus swallowed down another lump in his throat. The thought of Dean at the mercy of a Dementor made Seamus want to pull the taller wizard to his chest and never let go. He couldn't stand the thought of his best mate in that much pain. He reached up and gripped Dean's wrist underneath his chin, his face bending toward Dean's large palm.

"They'll go after my mum and sisters. They think muggleborns don't deserve to be in this world. I have to run," Dean said, and Seamus felt a tremble shake beneath his thighs.

"Gods, Dean…without you, I…" Seamus tried to find the words, but everything seemed to be getting caught in his throat.

"Go to Hogwarts. The DA is going to need you. Harry is going to need you. And then, if this mess isn't over by the end of the year, I'll find you," Dean said, sharp determination slicing across his hard features.

Seamus tightened his grip on Dean's wrist, pressing the palm against his cheek. He didn't even care anymore. He couldn't hide it anymore…what was the point? He wanted to cling to Dean for as long as he could before everything fell to shit. He didn't even regard his tears falling along the dark skin of Dean's hand.

"I love you, Seamus," Dean whispered.

"Love you too, mate," Seamus smiled back.

"No, Shay…I…I really love you," Dean said, his wide eyes boring a hole through Seamus. "Before I go…let me…I want to take a piece of this with me."

Seamus had no words to answer the desperate request. All he knew was that everything he'd been biting back was about to come flooding out of him in one overwhelming wave. He growled and pressed his lips hard against Dean's, his hands falling to the soft carpet on either side of Dean's head. He tilted his head, parting his lips and welcoming in Dean's tongue, shuddering at the feeling of the hands going up and down his back. After a few more breathless moments, Seamus pulled away, his eyes locking with Dean's.

"You can take it all with you," Seamus said, his voice rolling through his throat like gravel. He refused to consider the possibility that Dean might not make it, he couldn't think that way. Seamus just wanted this moment, this small bit of space and time to be frozen in his mind when they had to finally leave each other.

"I love you so much, Seamus. It's taken me so long to say something because I was scared…but now? Now? Well, the fear seems small in comparison," Dean said, kissing along Seamus' jaw line.

"Sap," Seamus smirked, moaning when Dean found a particularly sensitive spot along his collarbone.

Dean's warm hands found their way onto the skin of Seamus' back, and he arched slightly into his touch. Dean felt so right, it was hard to believe Seamus had ever wanted anyone else…had ever been interested in anyone else. He immediately began to pull at Dean's West Ham tee shirt, whimpering slightly at the loss when Dean had to pull his hands away to take off his shirt all the way. Seamus leaned back against Dean's thighs, taking in his naked chest with fascination.

Seamus had never even thought he was a poof, let alone in love with Dean, until one day after quidditch tryouts in Sixth Year when Dean had made the team in place of the missing members and he hadn't. Seamus had been so bitter and angry. He had thrown off his gear, getting under the cold stream of the shower while he was still half dressed, desperate to cool down his temper before he hurt someone. Just when Seamus thought he might explode, Dean approached his stall carefully, a towel wrapped around his bare body.

_"You're a brilliant player, mate," He had said. "You'll get it soon enough." _

Seamus had answered by rolling his eyes and turning his back. He couldn't stand to look at Dean's face in that moment. Even with his back turned, however, Seamus couldn't stop the flood of images his mind had conjured of what Dean would look like without the towel.

_"I'll…I'll quit if you want…if it'll make things better," Dean had whispered from the other side of the curtain. _

Ever since that little instance in the Quidditch Showers, Seamus' feelings for Dean turned into something he would have never expected. Now he kissed Dean with everything he had, longing to show him just how much he needed him, how much it was going to kill him to see Dean go.

Dean's hands were lifting Seamus' polo, and he sat up to remove his shirt. When the skin of their chests pressed together, both wizards let out a desperate moan, kissing each other with the feral need that was affecting everyone in the build up to war. Seamus rolled his hips against Dean's, his stomach coiling at the feeling of Dean's erection against his own.

"Fuck, Dean…I…" Seamus moaned out. Unable to find his words, he went back to kissing, his lips brushing along the searing skin of Dean's neck and shoulders.

Seamus tried to stifle the tremble he felt, his nerves threatening to get the better of him. He let his fingers trail down Dean's bare chest and bravely went for the button of his jeans. He felt Dean's stomach quiver under him and a jolt of renewed excitement ran through Seamus at the thought that he could pull out such a reaction. He wrapped his hand around Dean's throbbing erection and they both moaned deeply.

"Gods, Seamus…" Dean groaned, reaching into Seamus' pants. When his large hand wrapped around Seamus' aching cock, he couldn't help but cry out and thrust into his hand, even as his own hand maintained a steady rhythm on Dean.

Seamus kissed up and down Dean's smooth neck and shoulders. He loved the way the muscles in his body tensed and shuddered beneath him, and Seamus wanted to memorize every single aspect, every moment he could. He bit down lightly on Dean's dark skin, and felt the other man thrust up hard into his hand. Seamus thrust too, and when they brushed up against each other, he thought he wouldn't be able to handle anymore.

Suddenly, Dean moved up and their hips were pressing into one another. Seamus leaned forward and flicked his tongue over Dean's nipple and when Dean arched his body, their cocks brushed against each other again. The heat coiling in Seamus' body had become almost too much to bear, and the new sensation of feeling Dean throbbing against him was threatening to send him over the edge. He reached out and wrapped his fingers around both of their erections, biting his lip hard to keep from yelling out.

"I'm so close," Seamus groaned. "Dean…" as he cried Dean's name, he felt hot liquid spill over his hand. Dean yelled and immediately came with him, thrusting wildly into his hand.

Dean brushed his lips over Seamus' forehead and down his face, "Forever, Seamus…" he whispered, the stubble of his cheeks running across his exposed shoulder."Please, hold on just a little while. We've just got to make it..." Dean's voice was getting desperate and fearful. Seamus was startled at the break in his normally cool and calm best friend.

"We'll make it, Dean. You and I…we'll make it through this," Seamus said, kissing him softly. He closed his eyes and just breathed deeply, trying to calm the storm that was raging in his head, clouds interspersed with images of Dean alone, scared, dying or dead. He reached for his wand and cleaned their bodies off for a small distraction. They lay side by side on the carpeted floor, catching their breath.

_Crosses all over, heavy on your shoulders  
The sirens inside you waiting to step forward  
Disturbing silence darkens you sight  
We'll cast some light and you'll be alright  
We'll cast some light and you'll be alright for now_

Seamus couldn't take the silence anymore…couldn't swallow down the tension and the impending loss. He stood to zip his trousers and retrieve his shirt. Suddenly, the wind was knocked out of him as he was thrown onto Dean's bed. Dean landed on top of him and gripped the sides of Seamus' head with force.

"No! I'm not done. We have more time!" Dean's voice was choked and desperate as his wide eyes met Seamus'. There was so much pain, so much apprehension there that Seamus could feel everything inside of him crumble at the sight. Lips met his hard, Dean's tongue exploring his mouth with wild abandon. Seamus reached up and clung to his bare back as tightly as he could by way of a promise to give as much back.

He moved the other wizard's jeans down as far as he could, and Dean slid them the rest of the way. The warmth of his body was radiating through Seamus, even on his clothed legs, and he arched up into the taller wizard. He could feel his cock already getting hard again, and his fingers flexed against Dean's body with need. He ran his hands over Dean's arse, cupping the cheeks roughly and eliciting a melodic groan from deep in his throat.

Dean leaned back, kneeling in between Seamus' legs. His long arms easily pulled off his bottoms and pants, lifting his legs and sliding them over his bare feet. Seamus closed his eyes, swallowing back a lump in his throat. It wasn't that he was afraid of being exposed. On the contrary, in lighter times, Seamus often found himself quite the exhibitionist. But seeing Dean hovering above him, and gazing at him so intently just added another layer of gravity to the already crushing situation.

"You're beautiful," Dean whispered.

Seamus let out an undignified snort. So much for the crushing tension.

"I'm serious!" Dean said, chuckling slightly.

"Oh I know I'm a right treat to look at, but do you have to be such a bird about it?" Seamus smirked, his laughter bubbling out of him more quickly than normal with the adrenaline pumping through his veins.

"I'll show you a bird…" Dean growled, immediately rubbing their erections together as he attacked Seamus' neck with his lips, teeth, and tongue.

"Fucking Christ," Seamus cried out. Dean's hands roamed down to his shaft, touching lightly before cupping his bollocks. Seamus let out a needy moan, and he felt Dean smile against his bare chest. When Dean's fingers found the tight pucker of Seamus' entrance, he tensed.

"I'm sorry, I'll not…sorry," Dean whispered.

"No! I want…Just go slow," Seamus said, meeting Dean's earnest dark eyes. "You can have everything," Seamus said quietly, his face turning red and his heart pounding.

Seamus had to look away from him, he just couldn't handle it. Everything felt so raw, so real, and so desperate. He couldn't fathom a year without Dean. They used to laugh, to wreak havoc wherever they went. Now, the specter of war and death hung over them. Seamus was worried that nothing would stay together, even them…even this. He hated his doubt, and he closed his eyes to it as much as he could.

"Seamus, look at me," Dean said quietly into his ear. Seamus let his eyes open slowly, seeing Dean's face so close to his that he brought his hand up and rested it on the strong jaw. Dean grabbed his wand and Seamus heard him whisper a very familiar spell to lubricate his fingers.

Seamus' body tensed and tingled at the same time when he felt Dean's careful fingers brush over his entrance. Dean kissed his face, down his neck, and over his shoulders. Seamus willed his body to relax, so anxious and so eager in the same breath that he was overwhelmed.

He once again focused on Dean, on the warmth of his skin against his own, and on the sweep of his lips across his body. When Dean's finger entered him, Seamus only had a moment of tension before he was relaxing and aching for more. Dean added another finger, and Seamus let out an involuntary growl and arched his back. He thrust in and out with his touch, driving Seamus to the edge. Dean's fingers were hitting something inside of him that was making the heat explode in his body. Seamus felt like all of his nerves were on end. He was sure he had never wanted anything more than he wanted Dean inside of him in that moment. He thrust against Dean's fingers as he realized he couldn't form coherent words.

"I want you so bad, Seamus…" Dean groaned, licking a stripe up Seamus' taught neck muscles.

"Yes…please…need you," Seamus managed to moan out. He began to roll over, drawing the logical conclusion that this was how it was done. However, Dean pressed him back against the mattress, kissing him hard.

"I want to see you. I wish I never had to stop looking at you. I don't care how barmy it sounds, you're fucking gorgeous," Dean's free hand was cupping Seamus' jaw and his eyes were glassy and bright.

Seamus was still struck mute by the enormity of what they were doing, so he reached up and pressed his lips to the other man's, wrapping his legs around his waist. "Love you," Seamus finally managed to whisper.

As Dean slowly entered him, Seamus couldn't hold back the hiss. The burning sensation was painful, despite how badly he wanted to take all of Dean inside of him. He tried to hide it behind a grin, but the concern on Dean's eyes was obvious.

"I'll be okay in a second. Never really been buggered before," Seamus chuckled nervously. Dean tensed for a second but then smiled back.

"S'Alright. I've never buggered," Dean said, his own voice wobbling with laughter. He bent down and kissed Seamus' smile. "Just let me know when you're ready." He said tenderly. Seamus nodded and concentrated on relaxing as much as he could.

After a few more moments of running his hands up and down Dean's slick skin, Seamus bucked his hips up and took Dean all the way in. Dean cried out, sounding completely undone, and Seamus could feel it like chills across his body. He thrust up again, the burning giving way to pleasure that curled his toes and made him desperate for more…faster…harder. He got lost in his own yells, interspersed with Dean's rough growls and moans.

Seamus could feel his climax coiling inside of him as Dean's thrust became more erratic and his voice reduced to breathy exclamations. When Dean reached down and gripped Seamus' weeping cock, he let go, screaming out a stream of expletives and gripping Dean's shoulders tighter than he thought possible.

Dean came soon after, crying Seamus' name. As he repeated his words, Seamus could have sworn he heard a sob in Dean's voice. He pulled the other wizard more tightly to his chest and held on as hard as he could. He could feel Dean pulsing inside of him, and he could feel the sticky mess in between them, but he just needed to hold on for a little longer. Seamus whimpered a little at the stretch as Dean pulled back out of him, and reached for his wand to clean them both up.

They lay there in Dean's childhood bedroom, facing each other and breathing deeply. Seamus could not let go, he couldn't get his hands to move even an inch. As Dean's shoulders shook, Seamus tucked his head into the crook of his neck.

"You have to be safe, Dean. You have to come back," Seamus whispered.

"I don't want to leave…" He heard Dean mumble into his hair, his hands running up and down Seamus' arms as if trying to find an anchor.

"You're right. They'll come after you…and…and…your mum and sisters," Seamus said, pulling Dean back to meet his eyes. He was so afraid, the fear was written in lines all over his young face. Seamus could feel his own countenance fading fast, but steeled his nerves to keep Dean above water. "Just come back…"

"I will. I have to," Dean said, kissing Seamus reverently and wrapping his arms around his bare back.

Seamus squeezed his eyes shut tight and tried to memorize every detail of the moment to carry with him until this darkness was finally over. He swallowed his sobs, not wanting Dean to hurt more than he already was, and not wanting to taint this final instance when they could be together. Soon, after the year was over, Seamus would find Dean no matter what it cost. His hands clenched involuntarily on Dean's back.

"When?" Seamus whispered.

"When it gets dark. I don't know if anyone's watching the house or not, but I can't risk it. I'm going to cast disillusionment and slip out the back. I'll leave to the forests until everything dies down," Dean said resolutely.

"Alone?" Seamus tried to keep the whimper from his voice.

"I'll be okay. I've got plenty of both kinds of cash, my wand, and camping skills to rival the best of them," he tried to sound positive, but Seamus saw right through it. He pressed his body against Dean.

"Stay warm, yeah mate?" Seamus whispered, kissing up his neck.

"Gods, Shay…this will get me through. I know it will," Dean moaned.

Struck with an idea, Seamus leapt up from the bed, and traipsed naked across the wooden floor. He rifled through his rucksack until he found his dad's utility knife. He turned to Dean and clicked it open, trying to look menacing. Without hesitating, he pressed the tip to the muscle below his thumb on the palm of his hand. While Dean protested and jumped up to try to stop him, Seamus managed to carve a crude-looking 'D'.

"Blimey," Dean whispered. Without another word, he carved an 'S' in the exact same spot.

They met eyes and pressed their palms together, ignoring the sting. While their hands remained clasped, they kissed. Their kiss was slow and soft, exploring each other's mouth. Seamus memorized Dean's taste, his scent, and the feeling of his lips. When the daylight began to fade, Seamus said his so that Dean could have his last hour or so with his mum and sisters.

He lingered near the front window, watching Dean tearfully fall into his mother's arms. He had meant to watch Dean go, but Seamus couldn't handle it any longer and he swiftly walked away down the old country road.

The year ahead looked bleak to say the least. Without Dean, Seamus didn't think he would survive. But as his hand stung dully and the taste lingered on his lips, he knew he could be strong. After all, he had all the right reasons.

_The streets outside your window over flooded  
People staring, they know you've been broken  
Repeatedly reminded by the looks on their faces  
Ignore them tonight and you'll be alright  
We'll cast some light and you'll be alright_


End file.
